How Kind Speech Builds Emotional Intelligence In Children

A kid isn’t “being difficult” in a vacuum. Most of the time, they’re broadcasting a need they don’t have words for, and the adults around them are deciding what that behavior means. I sit down with Bobbi Chegwyn, an Australian-born life coach turned children’s author, to talk about the hidden power of everyday language, and why the way we speak to kids becomes the way they eventually speak to themselves.

Bobbi shares what changed for her when she moved to the United States and chose an unexpected job to learn her new community: driving a school bus. She created the “kind bus,” tied rules to kindness, and noticed something important about the kids labeled “challenging.” When we separate the child from the behavior and look for the belief underneath, we can turn conflict into connection. Her “railroad monitor” story is a simple, memorable example of strengths-based parenting and classroom management that actually protects dignity while improving safety.

We also dig into what blocks healthy communication: assumptions, urgency, shame, fear of being wrong, and the “filters” built from culture and upbringing. We talk about how tone, timing, and body language carry meaning, why texts get misread (yes, even a period can sound angry), and how parents and teachers can use open-ended questions to help children name emotions instead of acting them out.

Finally, Bobbi walks us through her Radical Ray children’s book series and how bibliotherapy can help kids explore empathy, inclusion, trust, identity, and grief through story, without forcing vulnerability too fast. If you care about emotional intelligence for kids, kinder communication at home and school, and practical tools that work in real life, this conversation is for you. Subscribe, share with a friend, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

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Intro music: ‘Human First’ by Mike Baker – YouTube Music: https://youtu.be/wRXqkYVarGA | Podcast: Still Here, Still Trying | Website: www.mikebakerhq.com 

Transcript

Welcome To Kindness Matters

SPEAKER_01 0:00

This is the Kindness Matters podcast. A space for stories that inspire talent and bring us a little closer together. If you've been looking for a reminder of the good people, you're in the right place. Because kindness matters, and so do you. It's kind we are Hey, hello, and welcome everybody to the Kindness Matters Podcast. I am so happy that you are here. Um I'm your host, Mike Rathman, and I I know that each and every one of us, you know, we only have so many hours in a day, and and the fact that you chose to take a portion of one of those hours to to listen in on this podcast means the world to me. And I thank you so much for doing that. Um today we're gonna talk a little bit about the way we speak to each other, right? Um have you ever have you ever done something or said something that was inappropriate, and then when you thought about why you said that it kind of went back to something that you were told as a child.

Meet Bobby And The Big Idea

SPEAKER_01 1:12

That's kind of what we're talking about here, and um let me tell you about my guest. My guest is Bobby Shegwin. She grew up in Australia and she came to the US, and believe it or not, she decided to drive a school bus to better understand her new community, and what she saw in those kids that she was driving around stuck with her. Um, emotions that they didn't have words for, showing up in ways that often got misunderstood. And now she brings the stories that she she heard from those kids into her set of children's books called it it's a series called Radical Ray. And it helps kids build emotional intelligence during one of the most important stages of their lives. Today we're talking about the way we speak to each other and why it matters more than we think. Welcome to the show, Bobby. So nice to have you here.

SPEAKER_02 2:21

Thank you so much. I'm excited to be chatting with you today.

SPEAKER_00 2:25

Yes, I mean it I mean we we we can talk about this and and but you spent like twenty years working as was it a therapist or sorry, you froze there a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

I after that you spent 20 years.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Oh, you spent 20 years before you came to the US and before you started uh driving a bus. You were working with mostly adults in in was it a therapies type

From Life Coaching To Writing

SPEAKER_01 3:05

situation?

SPEAKER_02 3:06

It was a life coaching situation, and um I got my certification uh from the coaching institute in Melbourne back in 2008. And at that time I was going through a separation and a divorce, and I have always worked best coaching people through something that I'm personally going through because uh it's uh easy to show up as your authentic, you don't have to second guess what you're doing. And uh so back in Australia, I was coaching women in transition, which was my story at the time. And then after we moved over to the United States eight years ago for my husband's work, I had driven the school bus. And after that period, my father had passed away, and I was kind of at a loss again as to what I was going to do. So I went to a retreat over in Oregon, and I found out through a week's intensive chatting with these two amazing women that there was a part of me, my nine-year-old self, that needed to be acknowledged, accepted, healed. And so I came back from that, and as was the case once before, I thought, okay, if I'm gonna work on myself, I'm gonna take that age group along for the ride, pardon the pun from the bus.

SPEAKER_00 4:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:37

But I decided I'm gonna write this in story form because I've been involved in this arena for so long now. And I think so many of us, from my generation anyway, have sought therapy or started to figure ourselves out or done self-inventory when we're well into our 30s, 40s, 50s, and even later on in life. And from driving the school bus, I knew these kids were smart. They were little sponges that really soaked up new ideas. And I thought that's the age group I want to write for. I want to prepare them with an emotional toolkit via storytelling with a character that hopefully becomes their little mate, and they can remember what Ray might have chosen to do or the difficulties and challenges that he went through in his stories and apply an understanding of what worked for him into their day-to-day life as they get older.

SPEAKER_01 5:41

Yeah. So talk to me a little bit more about your experience driving the school bus and and what you what you heard

The Kind Bus And What Worked

SPEAKER_01 5:50

from those kids. I mean Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 5:54

Well, because that was part of your decision too.

unknown 5:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:58

Yeah. So when I started driving the bus, and after I got my route and and I was licensed, I knew I had to do something more than just pulling up at a bus stop, opening a door, flashing my lights. There had to be more to it. So I went to my supervisor and I said, can I do something with this group of kids? I want to name it the kind bus, and I'd like to do things, um, activities and different rewards and things like that. That goes back to that value of kindness because I think at that age, the eight, nine, and 10-year-olds, being kind, they they know what it means. And we could take every bus rule and link it back to that. So speaking nicely to each other is kind, um, sharing your seat as kind, uh, respecting the bus rules is kind. So they could link that word back to that value of kindness, or they could link the rules back to that. So we started um doing that and it turned out really, really fantastic. We'd have a kind bus rider of the week award. We would do donation drives for those less fortunate in our area. It was just a really fun bus. It didn't mean that we had challenges because at times we did. But getting back to your question was what I did notice most of all were the kids who are, I guess, had been labeled as challenging or with problematic behavior. And I decided one example was this boy who he was just very loud. And um, he would kind of be up in everyone's faces, and he lives in my neighborhood, actually. All the kids do. I was fortunate enough to drive the kids in this neighborhood. Anyway, I thought, okay, this guy just likes to use, this boy, I should say, likes to use his voice, and he's got a really strong voice, and he has kind of that leadership quality in him. So I said, would you like to become our railroad monitor? It's not a thing, but I once saw an episode of the Brady Bunch where Bobby Brady was made whore monitor. So we're going to have a railroad monitor because when we used to come up to a railroad track, he used to shout out this little ditchy that went something like, if I can recall, something like, lights on, lips up, we're coming to a railway stop. And so I said, It's going to be your job. So I need you to be really sensible on the bus because the kids are going to be looking at you. And we'd approach the railway tracks and he would shout out, and um, then he would tell me if anyone was speaking, which was helpful because you have to listen out for trains coming. It's, you know, it is a safety requirement. And uh then I thought, I'm gonna get him a badge. So I made a railroad monitor badge and I sent it to his mother and told um her what it was gonna be about. And it's funny because that was just one example of acknowledging the things that were being labeled currently as problematic and seeing how we could work with that to spin it. So it had a really valuable impact. And this was one kid, he he turned it around, he you he became quite proud of himself and he took his job very seriously. So, yeah, that was one of the stories.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

So giving him something to do on the bus really brought out those leadership qualities in him, huh?

SPEAKER_02 9:42

Yeah, yeah. And I often think with what I witnessed on the school bus, was there was just nowhere in that bus for them to necessarily channel parts of themselves. And so if we could rework it, we reworked it.

SPEAKER_01 10:05

Cool. And that's so clever. I mean, I n probably no other bus driver in in your district had thought of that.

SPEAKER_02 10:18

Well, I'm not sure. I don't think anyone else was really doing that sort of thing, but um look, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I it was honestly one of the best times of my life.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Yeah. So did you learn anything from the kids? Did they teach you anything about honesty or conflict or the need to feel understood be to feel understood?

SPEAKER_02 10:46

It really was just the idea that behavior, I don't think there's any such thing

Behavior Comes From Beliefs

SPEAKER_02 10:55

as a bad behave kid. I think there's behavior that stems from a belief about themselves, which might then transition into a thought, which will produce an emotion. That emotion will um um then contribute to an action that will then have an outcome. So the beliefs with these kids could be helpful or unhelpful. There were plenty of kids who's who were extremely well behaved and friendly. Then there were the other kids that, for instance, were, I guess, exhibiting behaviors that didn't contribute to the safety of me as the driver, the other kids, and the traffic on the road. However, I think it's when you separate the child from the behavior and think, well, you know, there's that's coming from somewhere else. So in this other kid's instance, if we can give him something to do with that behavior, then it really works. But it always stems from somewhere. I mean, your behavior, my behavior, Donald Trump's behavior, it all it all stems from a belief that we hold about ourselves, life, and others.

SPEAKER_01 12:10

Yeah. Yeah. And a lot of times that goes back to what we were told as kids, right?

SPEAKER_02 12:16

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

Let's talk about what gets in the way of communication.

Filters Tone And Text Misreads

SPEAKER_01 12:23

So, what are some of the biggest barriers to um healthy conversations? Assumptions, urgency, shame, fear of being wrong.

SPEAKER_02 12:37

Well, I think also one thing that yeah, the I uh what I notice the most is our filters. So there are millions of bits of information coming to us at any given time, but we're filtering uh between seven and nine bits of information any given second. But those filters are going to be based on our um upbringing, our culture, religion, maybe schooling, anything like that. So I think accepting that we're all filtering based on what we've been given in life so far allows us to understand that someone isn't necessarily wrong. They just have that different set of filters and values based on how they grew up, what information they were given, who their role models were.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

Yeah, yeah. Um so how do um tone or timing and body language, how can those matter as much as what we actually say, do you think?

SPEAKER_02 13:52

Well, it's it's funny because the spoken word is um not by any means all of the language and the the words that we are speaking. I think it matters a lot more. Um, this is why when people text, they might um they might read something via their filters and think, well, oh my gosh, this person's angry at me or I've done something wrong. But if that person was standing in front of them and using a friendly tone to their voice and their body language was open, exactly smiling, then you would be able to see. Um, it's funny because my girls are now 26 and 22 and they admonish me for putting um a full stop, a period, at the end of my sentences in text, because they think I'm they think that that's means that I'm sort of angry and agitated. And like, no, I just love punctuation.

SPEAKER_01 14:58

Yes, I'm always doing that. And I, you know, I make sure I capitalize the first letter of a new sentence and all that good stuff. Yes, I didn't realize I could be seen as being mad.

SPEAKER_02 15:12

Well, apparently, so it's just a generational thing, honestly. There you go.

SPEAKER_01 15:17

Yeah, but it's true though. I mean, uh a text message or or a chat on Facebook or what have you, whatever the case might be, you cannot convey any kind of emotion in there. And and you have to be very, very careful, don't you?

SPEAKER_02 15:38

You really, really do. I think emojis help because you can stick a little smiley face on the end of your sentence or a thumbs up or something. So that does help, but it really is um you were very limited just with what you were typing because there is so much more to language than just the words you're using.

SPEAKER_01 15:57

Yeah. Because I know for a fact when my wife says fine, everything is definitely not fine.

SPEAKER_00 16:06

No, no, that's a classic, I think.

unknown 16:10

Yeah.

Helping Kids Name Big Feelings

SPEAKER_01 16:12

Oh so when let's talk about how we talk to kids, okay? Um kids and teens. How can adults model communication that helps children name feelings instead of acting them out?

SPEAKER_02 16:34

I think asking open-ended questions, like, are you feeling okay? Yes, no. That's that's a closed question. A yes or no answer is a closed question. What was hard for you today? What was challenging? Was there anything that was fantastic that happened to you today? I think really encouraging children to answer with more than a yes or no. I think the great things about books or bibliotherapy, which is reading stories that do help in a therapeutic way, such as the Radical Ray series. I think what's really great about that sitting down and reading with your child, because it's a lot easier, especially for young boys, to talk about what the character is feeling or what might be happening with the character, because they're not having to take it on themselves and they they're not necessarily put in that vulnerable position. So the mom, dad, caregiver, grandparent can say, what do you think Ray was feeling in that moment? Have you ever felt that way? What did that um look like for you? So I think um definitely open-ended questions are a great place to start.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

Yeah. Yeah, and I I'm just as guilty of that when okay, my youngest is 32 this year, I think.

SPEAKER_02 18:02

Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:03

So but when they would come home from school, how was your day? Fine. And that was the end of the conversation. It shouldn't have been, but it was too often.

SPEAKER_02 18:19

I think there are often is a need, though, um, especially when kids come home from school, and I've seen it when partners have come home from work, there is a definite need for decompression. There is a definite need to cut off from the school day, have that break, have that breather, and then re-emerge as that family member for sure.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

Yeah, yeah. So how how should a parent or or an adult respond when a child is angry or embarrassed or shut down?

SPEAKER_00 18:58

Because we see that a lot.

SPEAKER_02 19:01

I think Yeah, yeah, and and look, I I can only really um uh talk about what I've learned. However, it is it's accepting that all emotions have a purpose. They're there to show the child something. They can be used in a way that is really beneficial if the child is allowed to work through that emotion and not told to suppress it. I don't know how many people my age um were told to be quiet, calm down, don't do this, uh, be a good girl, be a good boy. And we kind of cut off that need to express what is inside. Now, it doesn't mean that a child can pick up your favorite vase and throw it against the wall, but if we start young enough to not squash the child's emotion or aim to try and compartmentalize it into this is what you're doing, we need to really just figure out what is going on inside. Um, asking these questions. Obviously, the questions will get more in-depth the older the child gets, but all emotions, this has been the biggest thing that I've probably learned in all these years is that all emotions have something to teach us about ourselves, about what we value, about what's important to us, about what we don't like, what we do like. And so you'll know if you, I guess, if if we're feeling an emotion that we would label unhelpful inside, we might be able to ask ourselves as an adult, for instance, okay, how am I not aligned in this moment with my top five values for how I want to live my life and who I want to be? So that's a great opportunity to dig deeper and say, okay, this is what I'm finding out about me at the moment, rather than pushing it down and ignoring it because I do think I'm very much of a believer that a lot of illnesses may not do, may stem from repressed emotions, especially mental health issues, anxiety. I don't know, that might come out in a physical problem as well. But I do think it's really important to purge any emotion that comes up.

SPEAKER_01 21:32

Yeah, for sure. Thank you. That was great.

Radical Ray Books And Real Themes

SPEAKER_01 21:36

Um so let's uh let's talk about the books. How when did you decide to to write the this is what you wanted to do? This is what you wanted to channel.

SPEAKER_02 21:54

Yeah, so I came home from that retreat in Oregon and I Had this niggling feeling that I wanted to do it, but I thought, oh, do I want to go down this path? That that seems like uh, you know, a lot of a lot of work when um, you know, I've just got to focus on my inner child. But I've always loved to write and I've always loved to tell stories, and it just evolved from that. And what I have found now that after I've completed a book, I really miss that suburb. I really miss that family unit. I miss his school friends, I miss that community. And it's funny, I said to my husband the other day, this is it's like he's my fictional son. I love being involved in his life, and I get quite emotional about how far this boy is uh coming in life and what he's been able to cope with and what he's learned. But I guess at the end of the day, that's just me talking to my own nine-year-old self. So yeah, that's kind of interesting.

SPEAKER_01 23:06

Yeah. Okay, so let's let's introduce it because there's a central cast of characters always, right? There's Ray, obviously.

SPEAKER_02 23:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 23:15

And then his family, right?

SPEAKER_02 23:16

So Ray is when what's that?

SPEAKER_01 23:20

I said, and then his family, but you go ahead. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 23:23

Yeah. So Ray doesn't come from a stereotypical family. He lives with his mom, who's a single mother, and his grandmother, um, Leela. And so they're the central characters. He has a dog called Atlas, then his friends at school, his teachers, and people in his community as well. But it's really, it it's and I never it was never a conscious decision to have Ray with a single mum and a grandma. But then I thought about it. I love that this young boy is being raised by two really strong women. That's cool. Because so many of us don't have, you know, that nuclear family going on.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

Oh, for sure. Um, so the first book was what in relation to title or yeah, title, subject matter.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

Because you do have different subjects in over the course of the titles, right?

SPEAKER_02 24:30

I do, I do. So I I apologize because I've given my copies, they've all been distributed. So I do have my proof copies here. So they've got a label across them saying not for resale. Anyway, so this is book one, and book one um is Radical Ray, Australia's Little Champion for Big Change. And that is all about kindness, empathy, inclusion. And the rad in Radical Ray comes from at the beginning of the book, his grandmother lets him in on a secret about what radical love is, because she thinks he's now old enough in third grade to understand what that is, which is pretty much loving yourself and others even when it's hard to do. And the story then flows where Ray comes across all these instances where he can utilize the concept of radical love. And then I won't give too much away, but let's just say that initiative goes far beyond his suburb of botany in Sydney.

SPEAKER_00 25:33

Nice.

SPEAKER_02 25:34

And then we've got the second one, which is Radical Ray, a father's return. And Ray's estranged father decides to come back into the picture. So this is for any kid, really. I mean, I would love kids, even if it this is not their situation, to understand how other kids may be living when there isn't a parent at home. And Ray has to uh grapple with themes of trust, forgiveness, family dynamics. And it's what I love about these books is that they're not tied up in a bow at the end. It's it's as real life as I can make them. Um, then the third book is the too much moment, and Ray gets told something by his teacher in class that shatters his belief about himself, and then he starts to spiral in a way that maybe a nine-year-old would at this stage, and he starts to second guess who he is, and then he starts to shrink to fit in. And that story is about how Ray, through the support and um love of his grandmother and the idea of radical love, can find his way back to the person that he is, which is wonderful. And then the fourth book is No Greater Love, and in that book, Ray Ray unfortunately deals with the sudden death of his mother. So that's um that's for kids 10 plus, but it's it's done in a really honest way based on when my mum died suddenly when I was a child. And um again, it's it's not the the the situation isn't just explained away, so by the last chapter everything's fine again. Um I I hope, and I do believe that I've written it in a in a realistic way, in language and with ideas that children will understand.

SPEAKER_01 27:40

And grief is so hard for kids to grasp sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 27:46

Absolutely, absolutely, because there's so much shock involved, and I think also too, and Ray very much does this in that book, he he lost the most important person to him. So everything that we would consider things that we don't even notice during the day, he's hyper-focusing on to make sure, like the tock uh the clock ticking, sorry, and someone rummaging around and putting the kettle on in the morning. He's hyper focused on all these little things, making sure those little things are going about during his day because that's all he can look out for.

SPEAKER_00 28:26

Wow. Yeah. Any plans for new books?

School Visits Travel Plans And Closing

SPEAKER_02 28:33

Yeah, I'm gonna write a fifth. Um, I have written one chapter, kind of put it aside for the moment. Um I'm thinking that will be the end of the Ray series with five books. I'm really wanting to, whilst I'm in the US and I'm gonna be here for uh a few more years, I would really love to uh go and visit schools and connect with these elementary kids. Um, I have seen over 30 of your states already, so I'd love to just go, you know, even to the far-flung states that aren't close to Ohio and um, yeah, really just get a foot in in in those states and across your beautiful country and meet the kids, meet the teachers, and have a good old chat with them.

SPEAKER_01 29:22

Have you been to Minnesota?

SPEAKER_02 29:26

I have only been to your airport.

SPEAKER_00 29:30

Of course, it almost counts.

SPEAKER_02 29:32

But it it it it almost counts. It's funny though, especially so the Dakotas, um Oklahoma, Kansas, um Arkansas. I am really drawn to that area at the moment. And then, of course, I want to do the Rockies and the states around there. And then I think, why doesn't anyone ever mention um Idaho? This why? I mean, I think I I'm worried that Idaho's gonna feel left out. Um really talks about Idaho, so that's where I want to go.

SPEAKER_01 30:07

I've had a couple of guests from Idaho. As a matter of fact, they live in the same city. And I they recently got together. Adam Schluter, he does uh uh Monday night dinners, he has all these strangers come in and they have dinner at his house. And then Mike Baker, who works for a community hospital type setting. And I had them both on and oh a couple weeks ago I saw a Facebook post and they were both at the same event together. I was like, that's cool. So I have people I could it's in Court d'Alene, Idaho.

SPEAKER_00 30:42

Right, okay. I'm glad they're able to get together. Pardon?

SPEAKER_02 30:49

I'm glad they were able to get together.

SPEAKER_01 30:52

Yeah, I mean, from the same town. I've never had a guest two guests from the same town. So that was kinda weird, but fun. So the website is meetradicalray.com, correct?

SPEAKER_00 31:08

It is.

SPEAKER_01 31:10

Bobby, thank you so much for coming on today and and and sharing your wisdom, your your hope, your your what you do for you're you're putting so much good out into the world, and and I appreciate it, and I know there's there's probably a lot of parents and teachers out there who also appreciate what you're doing.

SPEAKER_02 31:35

Well, I thank you very much. It's been lovely speaking with you, and congratulations on all the good you're doing.

SPEAKER_00 31:43

Thank you. Thank you so much. We will talk soon. Thank you. It's time, we are in humans.

SPEAKER_01 31:58

This episode is made possible by the generous support of people like Sue Jackson, Jesse Lewis, and John Kevlin. I appreciate you so much for tuning in today. And if you found value in this episode with my guest Bobby Teglins, it would mean the world if you shared it with a friend or a family member, or took a moment to leave a comment or review. It's one of the best ways to help others discover this show as well. If you'd like to support the show, help us keep starting to kind of two and one-time support options available on MyMex Coffee. We also have a first show. You'll find both links waiting for you in the show notes. If it's supporting financing possible right now, completely okay. The most meaningful way you can support the show is by doing one small random act of titles each show. It truly does make a difference. We'll be back again next week with another episode. But until then, remember, I just met.